Helpless

So today I am feeling kind of HELPLESS when it comes to the baby.  I feel like I am just waiting around for something bad to happen and I can't focus on what is going on in our lives when it comes to NOT worrying about the baby.  I feel like I can't make even one decision for my family at this point.  I can't plan out meals.  I never went and bought the kids anything to wear on the 4th of July.  I start back to school this Wednesday and I am really worried that I'll be too distracted to do it.  I need to plan a graduation party for James and I am totally confused about what the first thing is that I need to do.  I picked a date, what's next?  I think I am just too worried, too tired and too stressed out to be the mother, wife and friend I need to be.  I am not sleeping at night and I think that is part of my problem.  I have 4 or 5 dreams a night about Gracelynn.  Last night I dreamed she passed away at 24 weeks.  I can only remember bits and pieces from the other dreams.  

Well, I will get to see the baby on July 5th.  We have an ultrasound scheduled with the peri Dr that did my CVS.  The nurses will go through and measure Gracelynn again and just look her over more thoroughly.  We are hoping that her cystic hygroma has shrank or at least not gotten bigger.  You can see it on her 12 week U/S photo.  It was 9mm in that photo.  Normal would have been anything under 3mm.  We are hoping there isn't an issue with her intestines, that they just hadn't had a chance to move where they needed to be yet.  We are also hoping that she doesn't have hydrops.  I have been drinking water like crazy, hoping to help her with her being able to process fluid better.  I have done a lot of research with other moms and I have read that TS girls have issues processing their fluid and that is why they have cystic hygromas, hydrops and low amniotic fluid.  I have read stories from women whose baby's hydrops or CH miraculously went away later in the pregnancy.  I have read stories where the TS girls doesn't make it.  But I have hope.  I am just hoping for good news on Tuesday.  I am afraid there will be no heartbeat and she will be gone, but I will have James there to lean on and we will get through it.  I just pray I will get to be her mama.  I'd love to hold her in my arms one day.