My World Turned Upside Down

On June 10th, I dropped my sweet little Addison off to my sister Sarah's house and started off to my appt at 1:15.  I begged Lily and Caleb to join me for my Nuchal Translucency Scan.  They reluctantly agreed, but only after I promised them lunch at whatever place they picked after my scan.  I pictured them sitting there and seeing the baby moving around and it being more REAL to them.  Afterall, I brought them to Addison's NT scan and they were pretty amazed that someone could see inside their mom's belly.  

I was there at the office about 10 minutes early and noticed a seriously funky mildewy smell when I walked in.  It seemed to set the tone for the whole appt.  They made me wait for about 25 minutes before calling me back.  I sat down in the chair and the technician went to work.  She let me know that my uterus was tilted and she was having a hard time getting a good look at the back of the baby's neck.  The baby.  =)  She was moving around like crazy and her heart was beating beautifully.  175 bpm.  Tilted Uterus?  That was a new one.  I guess it was a battle scar from having Addy.  The tech said she needed to go talk to the Dr, because the measurements were kind of fuzzy.  She mentioned possibly needing to do a vaginal ultrasound.  The Dr came in and said, definitely do the vaginal ultrasound and I will speak to you about what we are seeing afterwards.  I was definitely getting nervous after she said that.  The tech went through the measuring again and the Dr came in before she was done.  She said that she wanted to speak to me about everything in her office.  They cleaned me up and had me sit there with the kiddos.  There were no pics handed to me or congratulations on your baby.  I knew something was wrong, but I was hoping they were overreacting.  I'm not sure how long I sat in that room, but it was quite a while.  I was then moved to another room and made to sit there for a while as well.  

I texted James and told him something was wrong and I wished he had been able to get off work for the scan.  The kids were getting anxious.  We had been there for about 2 1/2 hours at that point.  The Dr came in and said that our baby's nuchal fold measured 9mm.  The normal range is 1-3mm for her gestational age.  She explained that was indicative for a chromosomal anomoly.  She turned a sheet of paper around to me.  There were three Chromosomal Anomolies listed.  Trisomy 21 1:4, Trisomy 18 1:3, Trisomy 19 1:4.  Those are bad odds, in case you are wondering.  For someone my age, it should have looked like this 1:3042.  I was familiar with T21, down syndrome.  I can deal with that.  T18 and T19?  Lethal.  Incompatible with Life.  0% of Life.  You either carry these babies until they die or you give birth and they die immediately or within a few short days.  Seriously?  She mentioned the baby has an intestional herniation but wouldn't elaborate despite my prodding for whether it was fixable after the baby was born.  Yes, I was ridiculous enough to ask "If my baby makes it, it would have to have surgery to fix the herniation, right?"  She looked at me like I was insane.  She said that this baby would likely miscarry.  She left the room to get someone on the phone to schedule the CVS asap.  She walked back in, I had only cried a bit when she gone.  I was still holding myself together at that point.  She said, "I would be remiss if I didn't make it clear that you will more than likely miscarry this baby."  Well!!  Thank you for making that clear, because I wasn't hysterical after the first time you said it, maybe this time I will be.  I stopped at the desk and scheduled my CVS for that next Monday, the 13th.  

As soon as I was walking back to my car, James called.  I told him it was bad, that we wouldn't be able to have this baby.  That he needed to come home and get my car and go get Addy.  That I needed him.  I remember clutching my heart as I spoke and I was just about in hysterics.  I passed a nurse walking in the building and she looked frightened for me.  Poor Lily and Caleb were just trailing behind me, confused.  I made it home and started researching immediately what these terms and measurements and odds meant.  My OB called.  She sounded as upset as I was.  James was devastated, of course.  Everything I was saying was like I might as well have been speaking French.  I explained what T18 was.  I explained I either miscarry or carry it to term and it dies after it is born.  I was wrong to not talk to him in private about what was going on with our baby.  My sweet firstborn spoke up and said, "It seems wrong to die on the day you are born, Mom."  She had a point and that stuck with me the next few days.  James went to get Addy and took the kids out to lunch so I could rest and get some of the crying out of my system before the kids got home again.  I got on and got some immediate answers.  Amazingly, the information helped.  Knowing that there are so many outcomes to a situation so similar to mine was comforting. It didn't make me think that my child was going to be okay, it gave me hope that it didn't have to be something lethal.