Time to Think it Over

So the NT scan was on the 10th of June.  As it turns out, you can't hide under a rock when you feel like your world has been turned upside down. Lily and Caleb has dance recital rehearsals on the 11th and their actual recital on the 12th.  James and I kept the news of the NT scan to ourselves for the most part.  We knew we would be seeing quite a few of our friends and family that weekend and it would be easier to pretend we were fine if no one knew what was going on.  The CVS was scheduled for the 13th of June.

Caleb ended up staying the night with James' granny on Sunday after the recital.  We only had to drop off Lily and Addison to my dear friend Tara the morning of the CVS.  We checked into the office at 9:10 and were taken back at 9:40.  I had two nurses who, right away, seemed very kind and understanding.  She went ahead and started up the u/s and got a good look at the baby.  I am guessing it was to make sure baby was alive and kicking.  Baby looked great, moving like crazy.  I had a lowfat yogurt and a few sips a water that morning.  It was all we had time for.  Seeing her move like that, I knew it was all her.  No sugar high.  I started crying again, of course.  The Dr came in and he was also very kind.  We spoke about a few things and talked about the procedure.  He decided that a vaginal CVS would be best and he could do it.  I remarked to him as he was stepping out of the room that he is going to have one hell of a time getting to my cervix.  I guess he thought I was joking.  

He attemped the vaginal CVS.  He couldn't get to my uterus and I had to pee really badly.  He had me leave and pee, hoping that would help.  I came back in and they tried to get there again.  Didn't happen, despite trying to push down on my uterus to get it where it should be.  That was really uncomfortable.  They then prepped me for the abdominal CVS. He put the u/s on me and saw that my bladder was full again.  I had to clean off all the crap they used to prep me.  I peed again.  They prepped again and were able to get in there to get the sample.  While he was taking the sample, my bladder was filling up again!!  Anyhow, the pain was unbelievable.  I had no idea it would hurt so badly.  I'm not sure what I thought a foot long needle and metal probe going into my abdomen would feel like.  I do remember James tearing up at one point, thinking about our child and what we would face.  I have had a hard time reminding myself that he is hurting too and needs comfort just like I do.  He is such a great man.  I know he loves our children with all of his heart.  The doctor got two samples, just in case.  He was very confident he had gotten enough for us to get the FISH test done. The Fish test comes back by the next day and tests for the major genetic anomolies they are looking for.  

As James and I sat in another room, waiting for a nurse to bring me my RhoGam shot (I am rh-) we talked further about what we would do with the information this CVS gave us.  We knew that we would be happy to have a Down Syndrome baby.  That aspect of our beliefs was never questioned.  Mostly, we focused on the possible Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 19 diagnosis.  Would I carry a baby to term that would die with certainty and have a c-section just before Christmas? Would I be able to carry a baby that could die at any moment before then?  Would I be able to terminate a pregnancy of a Trisomy 18 or 19 baby?  Ultimately, sitting in that room we decided we just couldn't decide.  Neither choice seemed exactly right.  As my eldest daughter had put it, It just doesn't seem right to die as soon as you are born.  I've never thought of myself as a very strong person.  I doubted I would have what it took to carry a baby I knew would die with certainty.  To have to tell strangers when I am due, because you know they love to ask.  Then again, wouldn't I want to love that baby as long as I could.  To have felt it kicking and moving as long as I could.  I believe life begins at conception, who am I to cut short that baby's time here on Earth? And then, you think about your children.  What would this do to them?  Would it make them confused and fearful and sad?  or Would it make them understand that this is life and a Mother's Love knows no boundaries?  Ultimately, we will not have to make this decision. I thank God for that.  I don't think either decision would have been easy for me and my family.