Pain

I'm not sure what to update this blog with since Gracelynn passed away.  I feel like all I can talk about is how much it hurts to not be pregnant with Grace and just how much it hurts that things went the way they did.  I have good days and bad days, but mostly I am just a thought away from crying because I am thinking about Grace again.  I can't recall what all I've shared on this blog.  Did I share that her name is Gracelynn Mercy Burke?  That she weighed 6 oz and was 4 inches long and came at 12:05pm on 7/26?  I do have more pictures to share and promise to get those uploaded soon.  I have pics of the molds they made me of her hands and feet.  They are amazing.  Her hands and feet were so tiny and so beautiful.

So what am I doing now?  I'm spending a lot of energy cleaning out my house and organizing it.  Grace's pregnancy was really tough on me physically and emotionally.  Before we found out her diagnosis, I felt like I was much more tired than I normally would have been with my previous pregnancies.  I have no idea if that was really the case or if it really was something related to carrying her.  Physically, I feel fine now.  After I came home from the hospital, which was the same day I had Grace, I had a few days where I over did it with the kids and I paid for it.  One day I felt very weak.  I was taking a nap on the couch with the kids sitting around me.  I awoke to a loud crashing sound and found Lillian and Caleb sitting there watching TV and Addison not in sight.  She had snuck into the kitchen and covered it in glitter and chocolate.  I tried to carry her upstairs and give her a bath.  I put her in the dry tub and laid down on the floor and called James.  He came right home and bathed her and put her down for a nap for me.  Addison's mess took me days to clean up.  But I started to feel better and was able to do it.  I feel like I let my housework get behind during my pregnancy and it is now all caught up.  That's a great feeling, at least. 

I've also been working on figuring out ways to make sure Gracelynn is thought of often at our home.  I want her to be remembered as my fourth child and that she was an amazing blessing to our family.  I took a small bench I found on the side of the road a couple weeks ago and made it into a place to keep all of Grace's things.  I spray painted it and ordered lettering to put on it that will honor her.  In it is the oufit the hospital put on her and took pictures of her in, her hospital bracelets and mine, papers given to me during my pregnancy, the doppler I used to hear her heartbeat, the blanket James went out and bought for her after we found out she had passed away, and a teddy bear I bought just for her.  I call it Gracie Bear.  We also ordered her urn.  We are hoping to have it before they call and say that her ashes are ready to be picked up.  It's taking a bit longer for them to get that done than I expected.  Of course I am very grateful that they are taking care of it for us, free of charge.  I'm just eager to have her back with us.  I feel like a member of our family isn't with us.