Had a Scare

Okay.  For any family and friends reading this, I'm sorry I kept this information to myself.  I just hate being looked at and felt sorry for and didn't want to talk about it.  Yesterday I threw a graduation party for James.  I can admit now that I went a little overboard.  I spent about 8 hours cooking and prepping on Friday.  Got up early on Saturday and did another 4 hours cooking.  The party went great. I was up most of the night with Addison so I was pretty exhausted.  I tried to just smile and put it off.  Towards the end of the party I started to feel like I had really pushed myself too hard.  After most people left, I used the rest room and found brown blood while wiping.  I am sorry if this is TMI, but this is what having a scare during pregnancy is all about.  I immediately freaked out a little.  Wiped until it was gone to see how bad it was.  I called into my OBs answering service.  An OB called right back.  Basically she said brown is old blood (I knew that) and that it could mean a few different things.  Ultimately it was either my cervix was opening and I was going into premature labor, OR it could be the result of James and I doing the deed earlier this week.  This was after we crossed a few other things off the list it could be.  I had no red spotting beforehand and I heard the baby's heartbeat the night before so it wasn't a miscarriage.  She said I could go to L&D, but there was nothing they could do for me.  I decided to just go home and rest.  After all, I'll see a Dr tomorrow (Monday) and they'll be able to see if my cervix is shortening and if the baby is fine.  I just felt the baby move just a second ago so I am confident she is alive and kicking.  I've also heard her heartbeat several times since getting home last night.  The brown stuff went on all night and there has been a bit today even though it is almost nothing now.

I've been feeling really sad and stressed out.  I don't want to lose her.  And even if I have to lose her, I'm not ready for that.  I need to carry her and get to know her more.  I just need to be her mommy for longer.  I'm not ready to have my fourth child and lay her to rest.  This stuff is really starting to get to me.  I feel like I am losing my mind. I have so much respect for these moms and dads carrying to term their babies who have no chance at life.  I don't know how they do it.  Me with my 1-2% odds,  and I'm barely holding on.  But my odds are better than what some have.  I just need Gracelynn in my life and my kiddos need her too.  James is so supportive and loving.  He came home last night and really stepped it up for me.  McDs breakfast this morning in bed.  Dishes and laundry done when I woke up from my nap.  He is amazing. He wants Gracelynn so badly too.  I wish I could promise him that I'll be able to carry his daughter and give birth to her alive.  

Tomorrow we will see her at three.  We are praying for everything this time, that we prayed for last time.  

• Cystic Hygroma has shrunk or not gotten bigger.
• Her hydrops is gone or hasn't gotten worse
• She is measuring like she should
• Plenty of Amniotic Fluid
• We can get a good look at her tummy and see for sure the herniation is gone
• She is moving around and her heartbeat is strong

Thank you all for taking the time to read my blog. I am able to see how many views this blog is receiving everyday and since I started writing it and it is mind blowing.  I appreciate you taking the time from your life to read my ramblings and praying for Gracelynn. I feel better almost as soon as I hit the publish post button and I can't say Thanks enough.