Monday, July 25, 2011
We went to the scan today at three. I had a bad feeling leading up to leaving for the scan. On the way there, I started to panic. I guess it was written on my face, the nurse who did the scan hugged me as soon as I sat down my purse. She started scanning me and stopped about three minutes in, said she needed to see the Dr. I asked if she was gone. She said yes. It hurt like nothing I've felt before and I've lost my father and a woman who meant the world to me. I've known pain but I've never known pain like this. My daughter is gone. My fourth child is with those two people who mean so much to me and she is with my God. I would give anything to have been her mom here on Earth but that was not His plan. As much as I want to be mad at Him because that is how I've been dealing with loss before now, I can't. My heart is just broken. I never did the research on miscarriage like I should have and I am going into this completely ignorant. When we found out about her diagnosis, I made a choice to do whatever it took to give her a chance and some would say I took the harder option. Now I was given the choice to bring her into this world the easy way by D&E, which includes dismembering my daughter OR doing it the hard way with full labor and delivery. This decision was made just as easily as the one before. I want to meet my daughter with her body as God intended. So please pray that I am safe and there is no uterine rupture as this is an induced vbac. Please pray we have the strength to face whatever happens tomorrow. I'm worried about what will happen but I have faith that Dr Duke will take great care of me. I've never heard of such a kind doctor like she is. Just three years ago she cried with me when we just couldn't conceive our third child and I wanted to be pregnant so badly. Today she cried because we had lost our fourth child. James found a funeral home that will cremate Gracelynn for us at no Charge. I had written out a list of local funeral homes and it was the first one he called. Newcomer Farley. Thank God that is one less thing to worry about. Thank you for your prayers and all the offer of help from family and friends. It means so much to us.