Well. This weekend wasn't easy. I'm just feeling kind of panicky and upset. I've tried keeping my mind off of the unknown future of our child, Gracelynn. But, it's starting to get to me five weeks after finding out something was wrong. I'm exhausted. I'm either up all night reading blogs and posts and trying to figure out what our odds are. Or. I'm having nightmares and strange dreams about what is going on in our life right now. I can't sleep and even when I am sleeping it isn't restful. I feel like I am just totally focused on how I am feeling and whether or not Gracelynn will make it. There just doesn't seem to be room in my heart for anything else. And of course that makes me feel like crap. I have four other people who need me focused on them.
I ordered a book today called I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. It's 12:30 at night and I've watched about a million youtube videos this evening about Angie Smith and her husband and their experience with the fatal diagnosis of their fourth child who just happens to also be a girl. I am in wonder of this woman, to put it lightly. I wish I had her grace and resolve to just trust. I am having such a hard time trusting right now, right this second. I am finally headed to bed to hopefully get some sleep but I just had to share this video of the song Angie and her husband wrote for their daughter, Audrey. It's so beautiful. My favorite part was "I will praise the one whose chosen me to carry you." I know I should praise HIM in this storm, but my heart is just so heavy today. So heavy. I'm going to pray for more strength tonight and see what tomorrow brings.
(you'll have to copy and paste the link...sorry.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o
(you'll have to copy and paste the link...sorry.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o
I just started following your blog from babycenter...you are in my prayers. I read the post about your appointment and the negativity associated with CTT...I experienced the same thing and I am sad anyone else had to feel like that at a doctors appointment. I hope you and Gracelynn show those doctors they were wrong (my Hope did).
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