Planning

What a difference the planning is with a normal pregnancy and one like what we are dealing with.  When I had my other children, I had at least half their wardrobe, crib set and baby stuff picked out or bought after finding out their sex.  I want to pick out bedding for Gracelynn. I want to figure out what scripture or saying I will get to put over her crib.  I want to start buying those sweet newborn gowns.  What I wouldn't give to buy her a sweet little pettiromper off etsy.  Why aren't I buying all these things for her?  Because they would be HER things and if something happens to her, they will remain HER things and they will be kept by me forever.  It not that I wouldn't want things to remember her by, it's just that I am not sure I could deal with keeping a whole bunch of clothes, bedding and baby stuff of hers.  I have read that most parents in our situation, go and buy just a few really nice pieces to have in case she does pass away and then if she doesn't we would  have those special pieces for her when she arrives.  I am considering buying a sweet outfit and blanket in the next couple weeks for Grace.  Maybe having them embroidered.

So what are we planning, if we aren't planning the fun stuff?  This past week we have been deciding what we will do if Gracelynn doesn't make it  We have decided that we will have her cremated and hold onto her ashes.  I plan on getting cremated myself, so I feel fairly comfortable choosing that for her.  But mostly it is because I would want any of our children to be buried next to James and I.  We aren't in the position to buy multiple plots at this time, so burying her wouldn't work.  Then there is the worry about how will we afford it?  We are struggling already, but I have read that there are programs out there to help parents who lose their children.  So these are the kind of decisions we are making at this time.  I just don't want to be blindsided if she does pass away like they say she will.  I want James and I to be united on these decisions now to alleviate the pain or stress later.  It's just not fair.  It's really not.  Sometimes I feel like I can't handle having to think about this stuff.  I knew it was in our future when we decided we just couldn't terminate any pregnancy, lethal genetic condition or not.  I just didn't realize it would hurt so badly.  I didn't realize the days would just drag on.

We get to see Miss Grace next Tuesday.  I am so afraid of what we will see.  Will her hydrops have gotten worse?  Will she be measuring small?  Is all my constant hydration helping her or will she have low amniotic fluid?  I am just terrified.  As the weeks go on, I love her more.  It's one of those things, you don't believe until you live it.  You think you love your husband or your children and you couldn't possibly love them anymore than you do now.  And then 5 or 10 years pass by and you know that there isn't anything you wouldn't do for them including lay down your life to save them.  I want to be her mom so much it hurts.  I would do anything to raise her alongside my other children.  She is a Burke.  So keep praying for my baby girl, please.  I appreciate it.  I really do.  It's all we can do for her and it means the world to me.